I am frustrated, healing sad, this site and horribly angry all at once. This move is draining what little emotional reserves I had left. Then there was the whole faceb00k crap where I got to be reminded that liberals actually suck. The attacks on my faith from friends in Eugene reminded me why I could never “come out” as a Christian there. I would have been ostracized. Then, pill here in Logan, the people that have come to my rescue haven’t been the liberals, not even the ones at my church, it’s been my conservative LDS friends. As much as I hate their stance on social issues, they seem to come through when it comes to helping me.
All of this makes my heart hurt. It makes me angry. It makes me feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. I can’t be myself with anyone, because I have to censor myself when I’m with my conservative friends. When I’m with my liberal friends I can’t ask them for the help with this I so desperately need. Yes, this is not just a Logan liberal thing, it is also a Eugene liberal thing. No one offered to help me to move to Logan from Eugene, none of my dearest friends.
Yes, this is all about me being the victim. I am overwhelmed by this move and I’m doing it alone. I’m farming some stuff out, but I really don’t want my conservative friends in my home during this process because my life is so… well, liberal. I’ve led a complex life and there are things coming out of boxes that they just wouldn’t understand, and their conservative side would get the best of them and I would feel defensive, or like I have to censor myself again.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted. On top of all this, the one person I need right now is dead. She died in January. She was my best friend in the whole world and I need her, if not in person, on the other end of the phone, talking me down and just listening. There is no replacement for Melissa and going through all of this without her is just breaking my heart more than my recent “divorce” from my mother.
Yes, I recently “divorced” my mother and my brother. I’m done with their bullshit. If they want to be in touch with me, they know how to find me, through my mediator who used to be a lawyer. Why did I “divorce” them? Because of a childhood of emotional neglect and my brother’s lack of understanding about why I couldn’t be there for my father’s last days. My brother was privvy to information that he doesn’t deserve to know about me and he has never ever thanked me, he just ignored me.
So, I’m moving to another country, I really don’t have anyone that can help with this overwhelming and emotional process in my home, my best friend has died, and I’ve divorced my family of birth. Things suck.
Oh, and if you comment here with some sort of criticism of the above, this blog will go private and you won’t be allowed in it. I’m not in the mood to be criticized. I get enough of that already.